I’m gonna tag the shit out of this so if you’re a body positive fitblr then like this or something and I’ll check you out.
Sometimes I find it hard to reconcile weight loss with being body pos, so, if you’re body pos AND you’re losing weight, I would love you forever if you made yourself known to me in some way <3
Seeing fear, blatant and terrifying
reaching to me, through a stream
of consciousness, that puts shivers
through my spine.
scroll scroll scroll
More words grab hold, more help
needed. An absent cure,
a hundred words, a thousand feelings,
left reeling, unnourished.
scroll scroll scroll
So many souls to save
and not a resource to do it.
It’s the Internet you see
and all that I can do is:
scroll scroll scroll
-I was back on the pro-ana tag after watching Fearne Cotton’s documentary about it, and one of the posts just scared me to death. This girl so obviously needed help. It sounded like she was on the brink of something… awful. So I went to press reply to give a little support, but she hadn’t enabled replies. So I went onto her page, but she had no ask/submission box. So there I was, completely immersed in someone else’s pain and unable to do a bloody thing about it. So I wrote this…
I was browsing fitblr posts and curious, clicked into the pro ana tag.
Reading about how this girl hoped her mom hadn’t brought home food and how she would pretend she’d eaten at her friend’s house while telling her friend the opposite, I realised something.
I was feeling sorry for this girl for feeling the need to do this, when I do exactly the opposite.
Pretending you haven’t eaten so you can eat more is just like what this girl was doing.
I guess it just kind of hit me in the face - this revelation. I knew (know!) I’m fat. But I never realised that I have an actual problem with food.
I have a problem with food.
I have a problem.
Going through something emotional means that food hasn’t really been on my mind. I haven’t even been eating that much but I’m only eating really bad food or fast food.
Just ‘cause my head is in a bad place right now doesn’t mean I can give up.
I can do this, so I WILL.
My goal is to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. I can do it healthily and it’s not a huge goal, but it’ll get me started.
Well, that hit home.
Link here if you’re interested - this tells you where you “rank” weight-wise in the world (according to your BMI)
For someone like me, absolutely depressing stuff. The above statement has me in shock and almost tears.
Feel free to scroll on by.
I’ve just been off track recently, so if I think my shameful binges will be seen by someone (even an anon on Tumblr) it might get me back on track.
Today. Today was shameful. I really am ashamed to write down what I ate, but hopefully it will give me the strength to make healthier choices tomorrow.
-2 ham n’ cheese toasties (sooo bad)
-Beef, potatoes and peas (small portion)
Then, the binge: *builds up courage*
-1 pita bread
-1 slice toast with nutella (lots of the stuff :( )
yjthrgfhjtrgefds so disappointed.
As Anne Shirley said, however: Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.
I was shaking my head reading all these blog posts about people who are skipping meals, deceiving their friends and family into thinking they are eating.
And then I remembered.
In primary school, I was afraid to tell my mom that I didn’t like her sandwiches, so I didn’t eat them. But she got mad when she saw them in the bin (I always forgot to throw them out at school and would take them home) so I would wrap them in something, or I would throw them into the field behind my house.
My mom always wanted us to eat a proper breakfast but I hated eating in the morning, so I started getting up early and leaving bowls with a bit of milk and a few cornflakes on the table, or I would pull the plate that catches the crumbs from the toaster and sprinkle some on a plate so it would look as though I had eaten.
How did I go from that to a 19 year old at 237 pounds?
More importantly, why?
I just don’t know what happened to me and food.
Working means all I’m doing all day is cardio - which is not a bad thing, but I have a few days off so today was my first day back doing ‘proper’, scheduled workouts in a couple of days.
Did a few blogilates videos (Cassey Ho, you are my hero!) and my bum, legs and arms are burning right now. Feels good.
I’m currently 237 pounds (female/5’7”) and it hurts my knees and joints like a mofo to run. I’ve been to a physio and apparently I’ve sorta weak joints anyways) I work as a waitress so I simply CAN’T go into work with sore knees and joints.
I was wondering at what weight it would be healthy for me to run?
I seriously can’t wait until I can!