Make no change, see no change Make no change, see no change

Someone else’s breaking point

Seeing fear, blatant and terrifying

reaching to me, through a stream

of consciousness, that puts shivers

through my spine.

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More words grab hold, more help

needed. An absent cure,

a hundred words, a thousand feelings,

left reeling, unnourished.

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So many souls to save

and not a resource to do it.

It’s the Internet you see

and all that I can do is:

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-I was back on the pro-ana tag after watching Fearne Cotton’s documentary about it, and one of the posts just scared me to death. This girl so obviously needed help. It sounded like she was on the brink of something… awful. So I went to press reply to give a little support, but she hadn’t enabled replies. So I went onto her page, but she had no ask/submission box. So there I was, completely immersed in someone else’s pain and unable to do a bloody thing about it. So I wrote this…

Prowling pro-ana

I was browsing fitblr posts and curious, clicked into the pro ana tag. 

Reading about how this girl hoped her mom hadn’t brought home food and how she would pretend she’d eaten at her friend’s house while telling her friend the opposite, I realised something.

I was feeling sorry for this girl for feeling the need to do this, when I do exactly the opposite.

Pretending you haven’t eaten so you can eat more is just like what this girl was doing. 

I guess it just kind of hit me in the face - this revelation. I knew (know!) I’m fat. But I never realised that I have an actual problem with food. 

I have a problem with food.

I have a problem.

Struggling

Going through something emotional means that food hasn’t really been on my mind. I haven’t even been eating that much but I’m only eating really bad food or fast food.

Just ‘cause my head is in a bad place right now doesn’t mean I can give up.

I can do this, so I WILL.

My goal is to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. I can do it healthily and it’s not a huge goal, but it’ll get me started.

I’m excited.

I’m so sick of those Victoria’s Secret “Love Your Body” commercials. If my body looked like yours, I would love it…

http://gohomefatyouredrunk.tumblr.com/post/28617385395/im-so-sick-of-those-victorias-secret-love-your-body

Gonna start blogging what I eat

Feel free to scroll on by.

I’ve just been off track recently, so if I think my shameful binges will be seen by someone (even an anon on Tumblr) it might get me back on track.

Today. Today was shameful. I really am ashamed to write down what I ate, but hopefully it will give me the strength to make healthier choices tomorrow.

-2 ham n’ cheese toasties (sooo bad)

-Beef, potatoes and peas (small portion)

Then, the binge: *builds up courage*

-2 carrots

-2 apples

-1 pita bread

-2 eggs

-1 slice toast with nutella (lots of the stuff :( )

yjthrgfhjtrgefds so disappointed.

As Anne Shirley said, however:  Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.


Browsing thinspo and had a flashback

I was shaking my head reading all these blog posts about people who are skipping meals, deceiving their friends and family into thinking they are eating.

And then I remembered.

In primary school, I was afraid to tell my mom that I didn’t like her sandwiches, so I didn’t eat them. But she got mad when she saw them in the bin (I always forgot to throw them out at school and would take them home) so I would wrap them in something, or I would throw them into the field behind my house.

My mom always wanted us to eat a proper breakfast but I hated eating in the morning, so I started getting up early and leaving bowls with a bit of milk and a few cornflakes on the table, or I would pull the plate that catches the crumbs from the toaster  and sprinkle some on a plate so it would look as though I had eaten.

How did I go from that to a 19 year old at 237 pounds? 

More importantly, why?

I just don’t know what happened to me and food.