I wish I could bottle that feeling

that I got just now when my dad (very gently) told me that I could use a bit more exercise, so that I could open it and feel it again for the next time I want to say “fuck it” and have another cookie/pizza/piece of white toast with nutella.

My motivation comes in surges about four times a day, then food is put in front of me and I just put it in my mouth.

Fuck my lack of self-discipline. Fuck being fat. Fuck it all.

I have SO much I want to accomplish in the next couple of months, but losing weight is being added to that endless list.

I can’t live like this anymore.

This is the last straw.

This is the breaking point.

This is the beginning.

4000th Post

…and yet my fitblr journey is really just beginning (again, and for the last time.)

To all those trying to get fit and/or lose weight: Good luck. 

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.

Am I the only weight loss tumblr who’s starting weight is 250-300+?

the-twenty-one:

senis130goal:

hello—healthy:

sunscreen-and-sweat:

justonebreathatatime:

callmemissfit2:

I feel so alone.

Reblog if you are so we can become friends. :]

I want friends with similar weightloss goals. 

Started 262, now 198! :D

Started at 275, now I’m 208.

SW: 265, CW: 169 :)

SW: 265, CW: 149 Height: 5ft 4

Just started at 246. 

Started at 246. Close enough, right? Now at 237.

Gonna start blogging what I eat

Feel free to scroll on by.

I’ve just been off track recently, so if I think my shameful binges will be seen by someone (even an anon on Tumblr) it might get me back on track.

Today. Today was shameful. I really am ashamed to write down what I ate, but hopefully it will give me the strength to make healthier choices tomorrow.

-2 ham n’ cheese toasties (sooo bad)

-Beef, potatoes and peas (small portion)

Then, the binge: *builds up courage*

-2 carrots

-2 apples

-1 pita bread

-2 eggs

-1 slice toast with nutella (lots of the stuff :( )

yjthrgfhjtrgefds so disappointed.

As Anne Shirley said, however:  Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.

Work and workouts

I haven’t done a proper workout for the past two days and I won’t be able to tomorrow either. Because I work as a waitress and I am bad at it, and I need all my energy to focus on the job, besides which, I’m working all day every day.

Still, even though my feet hurt and I’m covered in dried sweat from work I feel like I’m making excuses for not working out. 

Food-wise, I’m keeping it varied and eating quite healthily EXCEPT that I’m back on white bread, because we’re not allowed the homemade brown bread for our lunch in work :( I can’t drink enough water either, I actually got given out to today for drinking water during my shift =/.

TL;DR: I hate my job because I suck at it and it stops me from working out and eating healthily but I need it to survive.

Falling off the wagon

I can’t even bear to weigh myself as I’m sure I’ve put all the weight back on. I’m back at work, and I’m not a good waitress, and they’re pretty much threatening me with my job, and my parents have no money, and I have no money, and I’m stress-eating at every turn.

So, I’m back on Tumblr. I’mma trawl through my inspiring dashboard again, and I’mma fight my way through the stress and back onto the metaphorical wagon.

I can fall off the wagon, the important thing is to get back on. I’m not starting tomorrow, or the next day, but now.

Wish me luck.

A Personal ‘Fat Girl Memory’

Inspired by http://fatgirlmemories.tumblr.com/ (Check her out!)

I’m embarking on this lifestyle change so I can have no more ‘fat girl memories’, but there are some in my past, and the above girl’s amazing blog reminded me of one in particular.

Myself and two friends were talking to a boy we barely knew. We were two years younger and being silly. We offend him in some way and he lashes out a little. To one of my friends he comments “well, you’re Polish” (I live in Ireland btw, and there are some pretty racist people here).

“So?” friend #1 replies.

He looks at my second friend and comments “well, you’re from *this-actually-pretty-nice-council-estate-but-a-council-estate-in-his-eyes-nonetheless*”.

“So?” friend #2 replies.

The he looks at me, and I’m waiting. I’m expecting “you’re a swot” because I’m pretty academic. But no. He looks at me, “and you’re fat”.

Boom.

My two friends look at me, call him an asshole, and put their arms around me as we walk away. All I remember is the shocked look on his face. He was expecting a “So?”.

He didn’t mean to hurt me. He was telling the truth. I knew that then and I know that now. Still, every time I saw him I despised him a little, because he was the first person to call me fat.

It’s really only since I found Tumblr that I began to forgive myself for being fat, and in turn, forgive him (not that he would even remember this incident). So I guess this post had two things to say:

1. Think before you call someone ANYTHING. You know what won’t hurt you, but you don’t know what will or won’t hurt others.

2. Forgive yourself - and others - for the names they didn’t mean, and even the ones they did. Because forgiveness seems like a giving act but it is also a selfish one, as it will do more good for you than anyone else.

*Sorry for the long post*